Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Koala to Liffey Sound*

Advice for Spiderman who, in the above shot, is contemplating where he should and shouldn't bring his Koala Bear. (photo is missing because I'm too lazy to paste it over from the other blog)

A poem which attempts to dissuade you from bringing your Koala to Liffey Sound*


Don't bring your koala to Liffey Sound

There's little eucalyptus enough to be found

without him eating through it, he'd be browned

off with the community station


He'd be so unfit, your dodgy marsupial

he'd want to go pirate, just like a troupial**

Oh twould be very painful, even worse than rupial***

Listen there's no invitation


For teddy bears disguised with pouches

They're far better off hanging out on couches

He'd nibble the microphone, cause so much ouches

Don't let him enact desperation


Koala BEARS are far too clingy

for broadcasting, wouldn't be very singy

Tell him go way on a boat, a ship or a dingy

but no Liffey Sound for your Koala today


*Liffey Sound is a local radio station in Lucan for anyone who hasn't heard of it - hot debate on the classification of koala bears can be found here. http://sundayscrapbook.blogspot.com - in Triona Walsh's show

**Troupial is a bird that specialises in pirating nests - ie pushing out other birds

*** Rupial is a skin disease occuring specially in tertiary syphilis

Wildebeest to Waterstones

Tis about that time of the week - this is for all those bewildered beasts out there

A Poem which attempts to dissuade you from bringing your Wildebeest to Waterstones

Don't bring your wildebeest to waterstones

no excuses, don't tell me you thought her at home,

even smoothing her coat with a much tauter comb

still won't make her, for that place, presentable


Yes posh book shops are no place for your antelope

She'd hoove through the humour books, you're no man to cope

with an angry migrator browsing travel, can't hope

for her to settle down, she's just not contentable


when she'd find there's no pasture in the gardening section

she'd herd with the readers, there'd be such invection

from staff, for bad gnus* there's no affection

in that place, oh twould be most lamentable


So try and get your Wildebeest to distinguish

between serengeti plains and this temple of English

tell her it's against your most pressing wish

No Waterstones for your Wildebeest today

*thanks/ blame to Titus for this pun

Púca to Poulaphouca

This week's poem of dissuasion is another unusual one in that it does not relate to an animal or a place of business, yet when Total Feckin Eejit puts in a special request you can assume there's a very good reason for it, so here it is:

A poem which attempts to dissuade you from bringing your Púca to Poulaphouca
Don't bring your Púca to Poulaphouca
Twould be dangerouser than sittin atop a bazooka
you're no prize fighter, or spirit palooka
so please do not take that venture
for your little púca's no reservoir rat
though he's a shape shifter no doubt of that
if you went to go camping, he'd make off with your mat
if you climbed cliffs he'd cut the rudenture
the mischievious thing would pretend to drown
king, princess or queen, no matter the crown
he'd advise you all things, and yet act the clown
oh, he'd certainly raise your calenture
for mythish named villages are no place for ghosties
he's better stay home, better make the mostie
of life on his own, maybe eat a cheese toastie
but no Poulaphouca for your Púca today

Capuchin Monkey to Woodies

These Wednesday's are rolling around faster than any other day of the week, I don't care what anyone tell's ya...

Here is yet another one of my meticulously researched and pulchritudiously presented poems which attempt to dissuade you from bringing various life forms to various places (preferably places of business) - Wildebeests in Waterstones, and Púcas in Poulaphouca - coming up in due course....

A poem which attempts to dissuade you from bringing your Capuchin Monkey to Woodies

Don't bring your Capuchin Monkey to Woodies

He doesn't need brass knobs or rings, and nor should he -

arborial living doesn't need DIY goodies

So tell him his tears he must quench


This fiendishly clever tool using monkey*

wouldn't waste any time investing in clunky

aul fixtures and fittings, it wouldn't be funky

Let him know he's being left on the bench


No he can't have a lawnmower, a mallet or drill

He can't feast on the nuts, can't go in and spill

all the paint, on the window that's meant for the sill

and there'll be no chance of a monkey wrench


For Capuchin Monkeys don't know how to behave

on the decking and fences it'd be very grave

when they'd chew on the edges, you couldn't be saved

No Woodies for your Capuchin Monkey today

*Capuchin Monkeys are one of the first monkeys known to have used tools.

Tonight I'm reading "A Poem which attempts to dissuade you from bringing your Geranium to Boots" at a very special Joycean Chemist based event... there's only room for 20 people at it, including performers, so I didn't advertise too heavily here, but hope you'll all come along in spirit.

Leveret to Haagen Daz

Well, you know me of a wednesday, I just can't seem to let one go by without adding to the mischievious pile of poems that continue to try to dissuade you from bringing increasingly obscure types of animals and plants to sometimes non existant places of business. Bearing this in mind, at the behest of Dublin Dave, I give you

A poem which attempts to dissuade you from bringing your Leveret to Haagen Daz

Don't bring your Leveret to Haagen Daz
He's better off outside chewing on grass
Just ignore his squeals, I know it sounds crass
but this time it can't be avoided

A Leveret wouldn't understand the decorum
he's impatient in ordering, it's just not the forum
for him, listen up, you don't need a quorum
on this one, you'd be soon unemployed, it

might seem extreme, but you know his long ear
would get lost in pistachio, and his fluffy rear
could be whipped for vanilla, no don't let him near
Say that you'd be completely annoyed, it

might seem unfair, he might cry for strawberry
squeal for a sorbet, demand something dairy
but when he asks if you're sure he can't go, tell him "Very"
No Haagen Daz for your Leveret today