Thursday, July 22, 2010

Jellyfish to Homebase

Another in the series of poems which attempt to dissuade you from bringing various forms of living things to various places of business. I'm posting a day earlier than normal because I'm away on a mad adventure for the rest of the week and well into next week and all the rest of this weeks' posts will actually be prewritten things that are going to be posted up at scheduled times even though I won't be here to see your reactions, ain't technology mad tho!
This weeks' effort was prompted by Emerging Writer's comment on her Diva's at the Body & Soul Festival post...

A Poem which attempts to dissuade you from bringing your Jellyfish to Homebase

Don't bring your jellyfish to Homebase
I don't care if he asks you with exquisite grace
or threatens to sting you, I don't want to see your face
with him tucked under your arm there.

Don't let him convince you he's that fastidious
and wants a new shower curtain less hideous
than what you have, he's not even amphibious
which means he'll feel fairly alarmed there

Yes homebase is no place for your boneless wonder
he'd be sure to tear the displays all asunder
while searching for aquarium toys, what a blunder
it'd be, he'd lose every charm there

So sit him down and rub his belly
Tell him it's not just because he's smelly
there's just too many sharp things there for a jelly
No homebase for your jellyfish today

Geranium to Boots

This week in the bewilderingly popular weekly series of "Poems which attempt to dissuade you from bringing your various animals to various places of commerce" I am taking a departure from the norm, and trying to convince you not to bring your *Geranium to # Boots - NOTES: *a Geranium is in fact a plant - not an animal (for the floratically faunatically challenged), # For those on the other side of the world Boots is a chemist on this side of the world that specialises in glossy beauty goods.
Anyway - by request of Don't Feed the Pixies - here it is...

A Poem which attempts to dissuade you from bringing your Geranium to Boots

Don't bring your Geranium to Boots
I don't care if he begs you from the base of his roots
all the way through his stem to the tips of his shoots
Listen to me or regret it

The shelves are stocked for horror there
for plants, seeing cousins dead for health care
Rose extract for showers, lavender bled for hair
He'd never forgive or forget it

Yes beauty shops are no place for geraniums
You better get this through your thickened cranium
for your beloved plant, twould be worse than uranium
Keep him away and don't ever let it

be the cause of him going off his water
let him stay up all night watching Ryan's daughter
Whatever it takes, don't let him witness the slaughter
No Boots for your Geranium today

Ant to Carphone Warehouse

Another in the ever popular weekly series of silly poems attempting to dissuade you from bringing various animals to various places of commerce. We also accept commissions.

A poem which attempts to dissuade you from bringing your Ant to Carphone Warehouse

Don't bring your Ant to Carphone Warehouse
He'd be sure to think you're quite the rare louse
If you brought him to such a bare house
He'd never forgive you, no way

There's no picnics to pilfer for your little critter
no crumbs between phones, he'd mistake all the glitter
and would be awful upset when it turns out to be bitter
to taste, oh, he'd be so dismayed

They're a social animal this 6 legged arthropod,
But make no mistake, a wink's good as a nod
Don't need electronics to talk to their squad
Phone shops are no place for Formicidae

So be sure to leave your ant at home
And I don't mean the one married to Uncle Eoin
Their antennae are safer away from the phones
No carphone warehouse for your ant today

Lobster to Monsoon

Another in the popular series of poems which attempt to dissuade you from bringing various types of house-hold animals to various public places

A Poem which attempts to dissuade you from bringing your lobster to Monsoon

Don't bring your lobster to Monsoon
Don't care if he says there's plenty room
I assure you, you'd be quite the loon
if you brought him in a hurry

He'd soon discover it was a mistake
when instead of seeing friends like the cod and the hake
he'd find flowing robes but no wavy lakes
it'd be quite the shock, quite the blur he

wouldn't find rain coming down as he'd hoped
There'd be no drops of water, I don't think he'd cope
He'd be sad as a turtle would sit there and mope
his claws caught on garments all furry

Yes women's clothing's no place for lobsters
He'd be better off becoming a mobster
at least then you wouldn't hear him sob sir
no monsoon for your lobster today

NOTE: This is written by someone who has just reached an awkward age, just today in fact. The awkwardness deriving from the fact that her age is now a prime number - after this it'll be another 6 years before such an awkward age hits again,,, but for now it's awkward...

Tarantula to Mothercare

Another in the popular series of poems that aim to dissuade you from bringing various types of animals to various types of shop...

A Poem which attempts to dissuade you from bringing your Tarantula to Mothercare

Don't bring your Tarantula to Mothercare
You'll find you'd be unwelcome there
with an 8 legged friend in a cover of hair
All the babies would be screamin

Baby shops are no place for tarantulas
They'd swing on the nappies, bite into the hulas
meant for teething babes, who're called things like Lula
and Jingo and Myrtle and Eminem

No, the webs of your charming pale faced arachnid
will not make a decorative lace for the kid
Nor will they stop the blinking back lids
of the prams comin up, as they flee 'im

I don't care if he pretends to be from Nepali
or Icelandic, or Belgian or even Bengali
There'll be no baby shops for this creepy crawly
No Mothercare for your Tarantula today

Budgie to Great Outdoors

A Poem which attempts to dissuade you from bringing your budgie to Great Outdoors

Don't bring your budgie to Great Outdoors
Not if he begs you flat on all fours
or if he flaps, and shouts, and roars
don't give in to intimidation

Budgies offer no defence
will roost on the expensive tents
nest near the golf clubs, make little sense,
lead to no end of frustration

Don't think he won't peck at the canoes
or jump on trampolines, like an untrained goose
In the Great Outdoors shop, budgies are just no use
won't gain you any admiration

So tell the budgie it's no, not maybe
it's not that you're tired, or even lazy
but if he thinks you're bringin him, he must be crazy
no Great Outdoors (or Millets) for your budgie today

with thanks to Mr Titus for the commission

Fox to Iceland

Don’t bring your fox to Iceland
It wouldn’t be so nice and
He’d be better off in mice land
If such a place existed

There’d be no one to blame oh
I don’t mean to sound mean* No
Not the place with the volcano
The shop with the ice biscuits

Frozen food shops are no place for foxes
He’d want to bury the pizza boxes
Would sly his way through the chicken locks as
The cabinets all would be misted

Yes corn on the cob, or veggies, or meals
Foxes can howl all they want, can appeal
But they won’t change my mind on this one, no deal
No Iceland for your fox today

*mean – pronounced to rhyme with blame

with thanks to Titus for the commission

Ferret to Miss Selfridges *

A Poem which attempts to dissuade you from bringing your ferret to Miss Selfridges *

Don't bring your ferret to Miss Selfridges
I know it may seem rather selfish-ish
but you'd be going against staff's best wishes
and you couldn't avoid his detection

Ferrets would target the cashmere sleeves
To hide in, staff would be so peeved
to find he's not part of the weave
he'd be quite the pest, an infection

Ferrets no matter how well groomed
are quite out of place in dressing rooms
and run the risk of being subsumed
into the summer all natural collection

So take the ferret and tell him straight
Sit him down, serve it on a plate
Do what you like, long as you stay away
with your ferret from Miss Selfridges, at least for today

* With thanks to Dublin Dave for the Commission

3 toed sloth to Dunnes

Back by popular demand - another in the series of

"Animals and Enterprises - what animal you shouldn't bring where and why"

A Poem which attempts to dissuade you from bringing your 3 toed sloth to Dunnes - with thanks to TFE for posing the question

Don’t bring your three toed sloth to Dunnes
He’d surely linger by the buns
Would get stuck on the sticky ones
It wouldn’t be good craic

He’d want to eat all the free samples
Through deli counters he’d slowly trample
And squash the fruit, his butt is ample
Before it’s too late turn back!

Yes sloths are worst in groceries
The choosiest choosers at the slowest speed
They only think of their own greed
When they browse the shopping racks

So tell the sloth he’ll have to wait
At home, or slowly at the gate
He’s not getting out there, no mistake
No Dunnes for your three toed sloth today

Cat to Easons

Don't bring your cat to Easons
There are a hundred reasons
why, no matter what the season
it would be a bad day out

He'd wee on all the papers
Want to play with all the staplers
would have such crazy capers
if you brought him there - no doubt

Yes cats aren't known as readers
they're better off as feeders
leave em home, leave em with Peter
rather than a shopping bout

So let em yowl and cry away
ask to see mice, promise they'll be ok
with computers and dice, tell them NO WAY
No Easons for your cat today

Easons is a stationary and book shop for those who mightn't be aware

Horse to Tesco

So, I didn't mean to feature "Tesco" coffee so prominently in yesterdays post picture, in response to that problem (because I think art should stay free of all corporate involvement) and because I kinda like this - here's

A Poem which aims to dissuade you from bringing your horse to Tesco

I'm removing this from here as it's found another home - the wonderful Caterpillar Magazine - !! Coming soon - more news of that on the various cushions blog shortly.