Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Duck billed platypus to Spar

Well, I couldn't let another wednesday go by without providing guidance for conscientious pet owners out there, who really need to know where not to bring their duck billed platypii, this is especially for Domestic Oubliette, who posed the question...

A poem which attempts to dissuade you from bringing your duck billed platypus to Spar

Don't bring your duck billed platypus to Spar

That trip, I'm afraid wouldn't get you too far,

With his unrealistic body, he's a freak not a star,

No, I wouldn't even attempt it

This flat footed friend has no need for a sambo

So there's no excuse for him to go in playing Rambo

Demanding nice biscuits, overpriced cans, No!

All your spare change, he'd have spent it

Sure remember the time that you took platypus

Over the one time to see 'toys R us'

and he said it was too bright, made such a fuss

Oh you wouldn't mind, only he meant it

So tell the platypus to shut his bill

It's not really that you'd wish him ill

But he might as well go waddle up the hill

No Spar for your duck billed platypus today

Hedgehog to the Euro shop

Firstly, don't forget to relook at the bus if the inclination takes you, some new passengers still arriving.

And now for a public service announcement... It is a question that needed to be answered and meticulous research has resulted in the following answer.

With thanks to Dublin Dave for posing the question

A poem which attempts to dissuade you from bringing your hedgehog to the Euro shop

Don't bring your hedgehog to the Euro Shop

If I saw you going in, I'd call out "Stop!!!"

It's patently obvious, better use some of your cop

on and don't, with this plan, be persisting

Just think of the soap salts, the toys and the trinkets

Your spiny backed fella would surely just think it's

an excuse to see how many small things he could sink, it

would be the worst thing since a bee sting

No, Euro shops are no places for hedgehogs

they'd curl up in a ball amongst pale rubber frogs

would nest in the mops, would eat cheap christmas logs

better off, if you can, keep resisting

And if hedgehog Bernard, that jewel of the night

insists he should go, tell him he'll sooner acquire flight

cos he ain't getting near it, no way in this life

no Euro shop for your hedgehog today

Badger to Abrakedabra

Ah yes, an extremely busy week here in various cushions land, we are multitasking, driving the bus with one hand (instructions on the previous post), and writing poems to dispense advice to people who might otherwise be tempted to bring various life forms to various places of commerce...

This week Matt Bolton of Matt Bolton's World View fame has asked whether there is anywhere he should not bring his pet badger.

A Poem which attempts to dissuade you from bringing your Badger to Abrakedabra

Don’t bring your badger to abrakedabra

I don't care how much the idea grabs ya

Or how many bottles of beer you've had, yeah

It still would certainly not be brillo

He wouldn't sit quietly, he's simply not able

He'd be looking for "setts" under the table

Would spill all his chips, would be worse than a sable

no it wouldn't be wind in the willows

And someone would surely bring up trichinosis

Or mention that he has the worst halitosis

He'd grip them with a tenacious grip, oh no, Sis

Better leave him below with his pillows

For Abrakedabra's no place for a badger

The jedward signs would make him madder

than normal, a kebab he would try to cadger

No abrakedra for your badger today

(the variety in font size is for purely poetical reasons, not that blogger won't co-operate, I'm practically a professional you know)

Flamingo to Land of Leather

Here's another one of those weekly wise pieces of advice for naive pet owners who might otherwise make a terrible mistake.

A Poem which attempts to dissuade you from bringing your Flamingo to Land of Leather

Don’t bring your flamingo to land of leather
I don’t care how she flaps and flutters pink feathers
You should close the door, blame it on the weather
For anything else would be foolish

She’d only go crazy on the sofa start nesting
Go mental on beds, when she says she was resting
on one leg, there'd be no trip so testing
You should listen to me as a rule-ish

Yes Land of Leather's not for your Flamingo,
She'd have better luck with a half house in bingo
or admiring posters of george, paul or ringo
so please don't take the risk, don’t be mulish

Just tell your flamingo she’ll have to flock off
She’d be better off roosting, she’d better clock off
She’d only end up with a fake leather knock off
No Land of Leather for your flamingo today

Giraffe to Black Tie

So - although I'm not back from the mad adventure yet, another poem which attempts to dissuade you, in a world of reckless abandonment and permissiveness, please don't...

I'll be back tonight really in real life if all goes to plan!

A Poem which attempts to dissuade you from bringing your Giraffe to Black Tie

Don't bring your Giraffe into Black Tie,
the staff would heave a massive sigh,
when they measure and find the neck doesn't comply,
with normal physiological laws

Yes this oversized, gentle ruminant,
has no business looking at pinstriped pants,
and suits with bowties, he simply can't
carry off that look, better pause

I don't care if he gives a response flehmen,
when eyeing the cufflinks, don't forget he's no shamen,
knows no more about clothes, than the average layman,
watch out for his galloping jaws

If you bring him there he'll only start necking,
he'll lick at the cufflinks, you'd have to keep checking
for damaged cravats, he's better off trekking,
no Black Tie for your Giraffe today.