Monday, January 10, 2011

Dragon to the fish bait shop

Hope you all are keeping well on this first wednesday of the year. Now far be it from me to start putting limitations on you and telling you what you can and can't do in this year of possibility and promise. However there is just one small thing I'd like to make you aware of:
A Poem which attempts to dissuade you from bringing your dragon to the fish bait shop
Don't bring your dragon to the fish bait shop
I think you'd find it quite the flop
as outings go. He'd soon say "Stop,
remind me why we came here?"
Flying Lizards aren't impressed by vats of maggots
Doesn't matter how well you dress or flag it
Not even preceded with a good glass of bragget
Your dragon will not find good cheer
Yes he'd rather face a witches cackle
or take on a swarm of swooping grackle
anything but look at all that fishing tackle
he'd find the hooks terribly severe
He'd find the worms all squirmy and yuck
In the one place where his fire breathing would suck
cos of flammable flies, you'd feel like a schmuck
No fish bait shop for your dragon today

Owl to the Cinema

So I missed the bus again this week, can't keep on top of things at all amidst all the festivities, here's my weekly offering of sage wisdom at least, to try and help ye on ye're way...

A Poem which attempts to dissuade you from bringing your Owl to the Cinema
Don't bring your owl to the cinema house
Inclusion is something I'd mostly espouse
But he'd spend all the time combing dark for a mouse
Feeling round with his mean filoplumes
He'd spill all the popcorn on floors made of dralon
and mess up your hair so you'd soon need a salon
all in his effort to spruce up his left talon
Oh he'd only disrupt all the rooms
He'd find Harry Potter far too disconcerting
As Snowy old Hedwig is always exerting
such charisma, your owl'd soon be asserting
"That's movies, all airbrushed!" - what glooms!
So better avoid it, you and your little hooter
Prove to him for once that you're no cold up-rooter
and you won't see the flicks, you're no nacho looter
No cinema for your Owl today

Aye Aye to McDonald's

At Kat's request I had a lot of googling and wikipedia looking up to get things that made sense and rhymed for this one...
Consider it your Christmas Present!!!

A Poem which attempts to dissuade you from bringing your Aye Aye to McDonald's
Don't bring your Aye Aye to McDonald's
No matter how he fondly fondled
your hands, your hair, or how he has hondled*
he's still for that place so unsuitable
You know yourself this fiendish rogue'll
only be scoffing the big macs, his brogue'll
spellbind the poor servers, can't you just see him ogle
the menu, list' my theory's most mootable
For wee pointing Monkeys are way way too creepy
they'll want coffee mc flurries and claim that they're sleepy
so forget it, you know he'd leave you all weepy
as Ronald would find him out-bootable
And don't forget that this guy has got him a sorta
bad name as the type that'd puncture an aorta
so unless you want a visit from the Goddess called Morta
No McDonald's for your Aye-Aye today
* this is really a word, it means to haggle.

Hairy fly to the Launderette

It's still not in a shop, but it is a poem at least. Hope all hairy fly owners are listening up!

A Poem which attempts to dissuade you from bringing your hairy fly to the launderette

Don't bring your hairy fly to the launderette
Twould be worse than the time that he came to the vet
Oh he doesn't like soap sudz, can't stand getting wet
Trust me, leave home this diptera terrible

He'd regress to a larva, would cause quite a mess
Would pick threads off the linens and wouldn't confess
Would cause all sorts of mayhem, both some you could guess
and some that would be un-infer-able

And if they start ironing he'd lose his antennae
Oh, his problems would be too vast, and so many
He'd have to walk on the ground not float like Pat Kenny
for his wings would get pressed, how unbearable!

Tell your fly, better stay home washing his hairs
in the normal fly way, with his legs, and who cares
he can sit instead on a tray of eclairs
No Launderette for your hairy fly today

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Thorny Oyster to Next

There's no cuts on Wednesday fun here at Various Cushions land, though it's a little slower off the mark than usual - this week's poem is particularly heart felt and difficult to read. I'm only giving a warning in case Mollusc lovers would prefer to sit down before reading...

A Poem which attempts to dissuade you from bringing your Thorny Oyster to Next

Don't bring your Thorny Oysters to Next
For if you do, you'll end up vexed
They're far too slimy, too over-sexed
Too calcified for high fashion

You'll find nothing there to dress your bivalves
3/4 length pants go way past their calves
the top and the bottoms are too big for both halves
You'd be in for a molluscy ear bashin

You mightn't usually be an advice heeder
but this once try to tame this colorless bleeder
Do you need to hear it from a proper news reader?
Anne Doyle shares my take, there's no clashin

No, don't take a chance with this pearly seductor
he'd laugh at the scallop tops, quite the destructor
of confidence, don't let him work that adductor
No Next for your Thorny Oyster today

Tree Frog to Bed, Bath and Beyond

This one was in part inspired by Picasso over at Elizabeth's blog - see that post here.

A Poem which attempts to dissuade you from bringing your Tree Frog to Bed, Bath and Beyond

Don't bring your Tree Frog to Bed, Bath and Beyond
Though he might say of that shop, he's rather fond
Don't believe him, no please do not be conned
His real motive is far more sinister

Tree Frogs dream from when they're little tadpoles
Of fulfilling a seriously villainous role
They're not to be trusted, oh, won't you be told!
He'll lie even more than a minister

"I just want some bath pearls" he'll tell you, straight-faced
Then he'll hop to the showers, hot water to waste
Sucky pads help him climb up, the whole place he'll have cased
And get you into trouble with him mister

No, sadly you can't trust this little amphibian
Tho his eyes look all genuine, voice purer than Rhydian
If he begs "Will you bring me" tell him "You must be kiddyin"
No Bed, Bath and Beyond for your Tree Frog today!

Don't forget today is officially the first day of IPYPIASM - see yesterday's post if you missed it. I will update as the poems get placed!!!

Camel to Specsavers

I know, in this day and age, it's hard being a Camel owner, trying to guess the rights and wrongs of their care, afterall - they don't come with a manual - here is a small piece of advice, for those who are seeking it.

A Poem which attempts to dissuade you from bringing your Camel to Specsavers

Don't bring your camel to spec savers

You know he's not the best behaver

He's a diva, this ungulate, attention craver

He spits in the eye of opticians


His hooves are no good for handling contacts

He frowns at the sunglasses, chomps like a mastax

left loose on a rotifiers lunch, always detracts

from the mood in that home of good vision


He won't like the opthalmascope, it'll soon make him grump

He'll complain of the tonometer, call the whole place a dump

And forgive the pun here, but he will get the hump

He'll cause dents in the fence with allision


Your sweet dromedary wouldn't say "This is class"

engulfed not in sand, but with frameworks of glass

So better leave him at home, leave his whole biomass

No Specsavers for your Camel today